everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
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Perfection.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.