God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
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not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.