The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
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Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I feel attacked.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee