I’m dying louder than usual today.
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My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Never be a pizza!
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth