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I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.