me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
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[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Storm Tropical Storm
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.