If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
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Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.