[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
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Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
secret recipe
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.