The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
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If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Every photo I’m tagged in
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.