I have no idea what she’s talking about.
You Might Also Like
You are what you delete.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
shit just got real
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
*puts cutlery down*
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
#NoRestForTheWicked
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”