I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
You Might Also Like
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
me before I type out affect or effect
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes