There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
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Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.