I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
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how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.