Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
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Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.