undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
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The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Just say no
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions