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I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”