Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
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Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.