“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
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My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
The Onion called it…again.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays