[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
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“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I wish I were this cool 😂
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.