3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
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I created you as mosquito food.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.