According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
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He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.