Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
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Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.