“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
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My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
We need to put an American base on the sun
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back