If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
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I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.