Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
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But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me