Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS