Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
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Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.