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Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
same bro
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.