A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
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Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.