I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
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If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.