My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
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Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
philosophical skeletons be like
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…