Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
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British websites use biscuits.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Me trying to look natural in photos
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”