My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
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[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?