Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
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A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”