waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
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how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Extremely relatable.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.