me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
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[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
my astrological sign is a french fry
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.