Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
You Might Also Like
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?