Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
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[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos