cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
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I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I did not eat the cake…
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash