people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
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My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Me :
All Day At Night
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
No Google it does not
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
fired
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.