Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
You Might Also Like
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found