Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
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When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
My spirit animal is fried chicken
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”