Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
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Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry