According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
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Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Every work meeting this week
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.