In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
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A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Is this a threat?
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.