(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
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It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Raisins are grape jerky.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”