My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
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I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Donkey Kong sommelier
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Help Wanted
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
#milo
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.