the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
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may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.