When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
You Might Also Like
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
nobody’s gonna understand
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
PLOT TWIST:
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”