everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
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Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
This is I, Robot all over again
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex